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July 19th, 2010

11:56 am
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

- Margaret Mitchell

Really don't even have the energy to write angsty. scheduled my ultrasound for wednesday. this week is just joy after joy!

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June 17th, 2010

12:22 pm - texts I want to remember
<508> do you think fast eddie could get me a good deal if I traded in my car for an electric blue pickup truck?
<508> damn canadians drinking all the good booze!

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April 18th, 2010

03:21 pm - murdering kittens
Although I'm all for the healthy expression of anger, right now I'm at the level of murdering kittens. John and I are done yada yada yada. consequences to yet be determined. I figure aggravation is better than being pathetic.

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January 24th, 2010

05:04 pm
I don't think anyone ever truly desires returning to a parent's home after successfully making an escape, but sometimes it is necessary. Especially these days between the college graduates with crazy loans and the economy remaining in the toilet despite economic stimulus plan after plan. But there can be no worse situation than returning to the home of your childhood to find yourself stuck there. without a way out or the income to justify an escape. knowing you want out and knowing it just isn't feasible may be worse than the initial return to the house itself. Not that that in itself isn't a delightful experience, much like re-acquainting yourself with roommates from hell who will never understand the concept of LEAVE IT ALONE, DON'T TOUCH THIS, or my personal favorite BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I DO KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. I have found myself stuck in the situation of no return, or more correctly no returning to a desired life. I'm still in school, haven't been able to work since Thanksgiving/don't qualify for unemployment and didn't pay into short term disability (stupidstupidstupid), and am quickly reaching the end of my dwindling funds. On top of my dwindling rope that I am tediously holding onto by the few remaining threads. today my mother informed me that she hated living with me because I was such a bitch. ditto mother, diiiiitto! I like to be left alone, do get what I need to get done-done, without being harassed by stupid projects that have been deemed important to do right now because I'm bored and need something to do. If my space is clean and I have contributed to the household maintenance, I am going to be participating in whatever activity I either choose to or need to get done. If my activity is in the 'need to' category I will be irritated if you pester me with stupid bullshit. If my calling out the stupid bullshit makes me a bitch, then I agree. However at nearly 24 and stuck in this purgatory I'd think it would be more appropriate to call me crazy. but hey, hell does beat homelessness!
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

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November 25th, 2008

So these past few weeks have been frustrating to say the least. Last week my Dad went in for the lap-banding procedure (think gastric bypass but less permanent and w/way less complications) which went fine.... until he was home for four hours and starting coughing blood. again. just like in April. my response? you've got to be FUCKING kidding me. So we make the journey to Jordan. It was a regular tour de hospitals of this area minus cape cod and falmouth because I think they're death traps. Anyway so my parents make it to Jordan where they do 38493024 tests that are at this point sadly familiar. I am at home. alone. well with the dogs, but really they have no way to say 'hey perhaps you should not be ridiculously anxious and decide to make pina coladas that could be used to disinfect wounds if need be' pshhhh, please. Luckily, those people I keep around in case of emergencies, also known as my friends :) came around to keep me from turning into my own personal house party. back to my father, they admit him, he's somehow managed to develop pneumonia and multiple dvts in his leg (again!) but luckily no PE's. cue: my mother losing her mind. We don't get along on a one-on-one basis for more than a day before our relationship is reduced to razor sharp dust flung into the nearest eye or surface proven to provoke the most pain. The ripple down effect of this? classic let's go out with my friends and drink WAY TOO MUCH RED WINE. and yet somehow, I did not realize how much I had drank until I was woken up to worship the porcelain goddess in the middle of the night/early morning. Which begs the question, why in these moments of utter dejection must there be clear moments of clarity? Sometimes I could totally do without the 'aha!' moments karma, thank a lot! Unfortunately my moment of clarity also included a quick jaunt into the real world of my life minus the drama of being apart of the stevens household and it occurred to me that I have 9 papers due. possibly more. and an art project. The semester ends in essentially 3 weeks. I've missed a fair amount of class, and now I'm experiencing a repeat of last semester only way worse because I'm taking 7 classes. riiiight. And on top of this I'm expected to do everything else that everyone needs me to do: ie chilling out w/mi padre when my mom's at work, feeding my mother since my dad's in the hospital, generally taking care of the house b/c if it's not clean it takes my crazy mother to a totally new level of certifiably insane. Now, perhaps pray tell someone can tell me how exactly one gets all this done? I'm guessing my good grades of this semester have gone by the wayside (so fing irritating) but please can't someone please give me a diploma by now? this is getting to be a little bit ridiculous!
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted

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September 3rd, 2008

12:12 pm - oh life
so one by one I've slowly cut all most all of the vices in my life out. I quit smoking... everything and have finally made it past the mark of killing people for looking at me wrong. I try not to drink all that often as one) it's expensive and two) I'm still waiting for the point to set in. I remember underage drinking as being wayyyy more fun than drinking as an adult and that makes me kind of sad (mostly for my youth but such is life). However I can't give up coffee. I tried, kind of, and really screw that. I've given up drugs, alcohol, over processed foods, candy, but I will not give up caffeine. at least until the whole pregnant thing makes it necessary, but that day is not today! or tomorrow for that matter! On a lighter note I started day one of the semester from hell today. I'm taking 8 classes and yet somehow I managed to schedule one 830 am class mwf WITH NOT CLASS AFTER IT! yes, you read right. I have to get up at what I consider the ass crack of dawn in order to go to ONE FREAKING CLASS! This may irk me more than the entire ridiculous amount of credits. However, since I'm not giving up caffeine I have begun to convince myself that this too will be a good thing for my life. you know some people like the morning, even prefer it to the other hours of the day. I have yet to meet one of these people but I have heard they exist. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to pick up another hobby or get some hiking in before the disgusting cold weather sets in. Also I miss my friends. I apologize to those of you who have called me *coughshawncough* only to have me not call you back. I suck. I'm sorry, but I'm working on it! I'm thinking about getting back into the concept of the 'day trip'. I can't really afford to go weekends places and really I work all weekend but I want to go do things during the week. Unfortunately all you people with "real jobs" really aren't all that helpful in that regard but we shall discuss possibilities regardless.

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August 7th, 2008

01:39 pm - disgusted w/the healthcare system
I admit I have a small addiction to CNN and MSNBC, but sometimes I wish I could miss some of the more terrible stories. Today they're highlighting the story of the 'dumping' of homeless people out of hospitals back onto the streets both way earlier than they should be discharged and also totally without the means necessary to take care of the problems that landed them in the hospital in the first place! The biggest kicker of the entire situation? The hospitals are citing the cost involved to keep homeless people in the system. Since the state has to pay for their health care they receive far less benefits than say someone with a standard HMO. What I don't understand is why are more people not outraged by the way people are treating other people in this country. It's not only the homeless that are being continually repressed. Really if you don't make over a certain amount of money each year you're left to struggle with the simplest problems when really there is no need. What happened to humanitarian programs, do people really just not give a damn about each other anymore? What about the Christians of this country? With all the driving force of help thy neighbor and whatnot what happened?

here's a link to one of the multiple articles on this disgusting behavior: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15752013/

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April 24th, 2008

12:20 pm - the dead thing
So after five months of living outside of the rents and around 3 1/2 months of living without boys I finally really missed having my dad or other said boys to deal with gross things. Colleen and I had a really awesome day the other day that I'd like to share with everyone. Scenario: I arrive home after school to be followed in my Eileen (Colleen's mom) pulling in unexpectedly behind me. For those who have been to my house, you're probably aware of it's general state and the panicked cleaning/stashing of the house before any important figure arrives. especially when this figure arrives with child. Anyway initial time one with mom went fine. After she left Colleen turned to me and asked, 'hey have you smelled that funk outside?' Which I had, but had assumed it was septic, to which she replied 'no I think its a dead thing under the deck'. Of course I didn't want to believe this, but took a look anyway. As I'm crouched down under the side of the deck I saw nothing for a solid minute or so. Then I saw it. the face staring back at me about 4 feet away. Apparently a GIANT raccoon decided that under our deck would make a good final resting place. The worst part? it definitely didn't die recently it was well on its way to total decomposition complete with beetles and other really disgusting bugs. I can't even relay through words how disgusting this was. anyway, together we successfully disposed of said rotten creature, and were sitting out on the back deck enjoying the day and getting ready to reward ourselves when we heard the front door open. Colleen automatically assumed it was Alex, but she was an hour earlier than I was expecting her. Luckily my purse was on the porch and I took appropriate measure seconds before... you guessed it Eileen walked out again. wtf. Why is it that dead things and parents come together? anyway that's my story of the week good luck everyone as we wind down these final weeks of school!

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April 15th, 2008

11:01 pm - i hate this
so I made it through my father being in the hospital. kind of. I didn't go to class or a lot of work or anything else and really didn't function as a working person but I'm still alive so I'm counting it. Having him be in there was possibly one of the worst times in my life ever thus far. They didn't and still don't know why this happened and the entire 'what we're going to do about it' spiel really wasn't at all uplifting - in fact all the doc's seemed incompetent and completely without any semblance of answers whatsoever. Fortunately my dad's a tough old prick and has made it home. hopefully there will be no repeats this week bc I'm not so convinced I could take it.
it's incredibly strange to be at the point of life where I know everything is going to fall apart. I know I'm down I've had far to many triggers not to succumb and yet I can do nothing about it. This is made both easier and harder by not living at home. My parents recognize when I'm not doing well but it turns into a control issue more than a help issue (especially when they recognize that part of their own behavior or whatever helped trigger the episode) however being out has allowed me to completely give up. go to class? why bother? go to work? not if i can help it! leave the house? why bother/sometimes not an option. the worst part of this entire cycle? knowing whats going on. despite the fact that I know exactly what has to happen its just too much, and instead I'm left asking myself how much time I'm going to lose with this go-round. I really wish I could just shake this w/out the process.

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April 7th, 2008

02:13 pm - oh life
all righty folks here’s the update: so my father was brought into the ER thursday b/c he was coughing up blood and his leg was swollen and cramped. Lo and behold, he had multiple blood clots in his leg, and was throwing clots to his lungs. sweet deal right? He’s still in the hospital, we’re not really sure yet when he’s going to get out because he still has multiple clots in his legs and now he’s having a rxn to something (we’re not sure if its the new meds or the sheets or god only knows). I’ve been pretty ridiculously strung out with this, it still hasn’t really hit me completely but this situation is pretty serious as far as things go.

anyway I’m back off to the grind of life hope everyone is doing well!

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